Dominique's Journal

"A trusted Counselor or Guide"

A friend of mine once told me that everyone needs a mentor. Especially in today's society a mentor is someone that I have found is needed, and when gone, there is a feeling of being lost. At what point in time does one-step away from needing a mentor and into a space of being a mentor for someone themselves? Does one always need a mentor? If in the course of time one finds themselves without mentors, what is their guide? Religious and spiritual values come into play, but for those that are void of these in their life, or who haven't found what they are looking for, what then? In this time where there are so many people 'lost' and generally fucked up in this world, where have all the mentor's gone. Sometimes I wonder about those "Big Brother" programs. When someone knows that there sole intention is to be a 'mentor' for someone, are they really going to help them live life, or are they just going to play a role. A mentor for me would not be someone who knows they are a mentor, rather someone that I look up to in values, career, or other areas that I could learn from in a real world situation.

In the course of my life I have found that there are people that I look up to and people I want to be like and then there are those people that I consider a true mentor. The people that I have found to be in the 'mentor' category have always been people that are older, and tend to have a semi-sketchy past. Some have been educated, and some have been high-school dropouts. All have been married. Only one has had children. And currently none of them have remained. Sure, they are out there doing their own thing, but none of them play a role in my life at this point in time.

What this my doing? Is it my fault for not letting them know that they were my mentors? Or should they have known how much of a critical role they played?

There are some days that I feel like I'm wandering the dirt in limbo, with no map, no compass, and no one, no mentor, to tell me where I am going to trip and fall, or that the direction I'm going is leading me into a black hole.
Through actions and words I have found myself in pure admiration of those people that I have considered a mentor. What it is that draws me to someone? The story of their marriage, how they take a drag off that cigarette, or how they sit there and know exactly what you are thinking. How I could look into ones eyes and we knew exactly what each of us was thinking, or how the sheer presence of one can make your heart stop, your stomach rumble, and you don't know whether to cry or smile.

Filling up three notebooks with words, poetry, tears, and love? That was my first 'out'. When there is no one there to talk to, no one who understands exactly where you are coming from, paper can be the way out. But you don't really need someone who understands you completely, simply someone that is going to sit there and listen to you, no matter what you have to say, or maybe just give you those five minutes each day where you sit there in complete silence. Words are sometimes never needed, rather just the presence of someone. Someone who cares enough to just sit there, and listen, or sit there and talk when you listen, or just sit there and share the silence. The saying, "Silence speaks louder than words."

There are few perfect moments. I tend to hold on to them, cherish them, and reminisce about them often.

It was a cold winter night, sitting in a dark doorway, smoking a cigarette. Inhaling deeply, breathing out slowly, watching the smoke twirl in the chilly air. Slowly drops started coming down, but we didn't move. The drops got harder, yet we didn't flitch. It was the first real storm and we just sat there, motionless, speechless, smoking on that cigarette listening to the world around us, yet not paying attention at all. There hasn't been a storm equivalent since.

There was this girl I knew who had a hard life and found someone who she considered her mentor, someone she couldn't dream of going on without. Someone who had been there for her for years. All she wanted was to learn, to grow, and never have to look back on her past. She listened to every word, and watched every step. One day she took a step in the wrong direction, one that she had not been warned about. She stepped into the quicksand. Why didn't he warn her? After that day, he was no longer her mentor. They both still knew each other, and saw each other every day, but they were to never speak or communicate in such depth again. They slowly saw each other less and less. They passed each other occasionally, and occasionally spoke a few words to each other, but it was like some tie had been broken. They know the other so well, yet there is something keeping them apart. As if there is some fear of allowing the other to know them more, or fear of the emotions that would arise if any feelings were expressed. So here they are in the present day, walking past one another, knowing that there was something there, yet some wall holding them apart.

Tonight I saw the movie "The Wonder Boys" starring Michael Douglas, Toby Maguire, Frances McDormand, Katie Holmes, and Robert Downey Jr. It is a film about an English professor who becomes a mentor of sorts to two characters that are students in his writing class. Katie Holmes plays the role of a bright student in his English class, who has rented a room in his house from him. She has fallen in love with him. Toby Maguire plays a lost boy, someone who is considered a 'freak', but who in reality just hasn't had anyone in his life that he could look up to. He found a mentor in Michael Douglas' character.

The role of Katie Holmes I found specifically intriguing. She admired the work of her professor and wanted to be something more to him, yet he didn't allow that to happen. Yet, in a way he had. He had rented her a room in his home, even though he was married. She was young, and was intrigued by someone who had an immense amount of talent and someone that found admiration in her talent. He didn't necessarily express this in the proper manner, and therefore she found herself in love with a married man. She played a small role, but a vital role in the movie.

Michael Douglas' certainly did not play the 'perfect role model', he played someone with marriage problems that was having an affair with a married woman. He smoked marijuana often.

So, again, I ask, how is it that one becomes a mentor? It certainly isn't because they lead a model life.

Where will I find my next mentor?

Advertisement